Treating Yourself Kinder
We are typically our own worst critics. Our brains are problem-solving machines, so when something doesn’t turn out as expected, or we make a mistake, or we feel any type of distress, our minds jump in with attempts to motivate us to do better. Our minds say, “I should’ve known better,” or “I should’ve been more careful,” or “I shouldn’t be feeling this way,” or “I should try harder,” or “I should be able to handle this better.” The list goes on and on for all the comments our minds say to us about the “shoulds” of life. I don’t know about you, but rarely are these comments actually motivating for me. They might work slightly; however, most of the time I end up feeling worse, filled with guilt, shame, regret, embarrassment, and sadness, taking me farther away from what I want to be doing. This turns into an endless vicious cycle.
A way out of this self-critic cycle is something our brain thinks is unhelpful and sometimes undeserved: self-compassion. You might’ve just had a visceral response to reading that and maybe rolled your eyes - “come on, if I’m compassionate with myself, that means I’ll just let myself off the hook, make excuses, and never do better.” That could be true; however, maybe there’s another perspective to self-compassion.
When discussing self-compassion, I start with the words themselves: Self, meaning me; Compassion, meaning with (com-) feeling (-passion). So, how we practice self-compassion is in the word itself - be with myself in the feeling. This by no means is meant to be taken as a way out of being responsible for mistakes or holding ourselves accountable. This means that life is hard and we’re faced with many challenges each day, so maybe we can be with ourselves during these difficult times.
I played soccer growing up and I often relate how my mind treats myself with how my coaches treated my teammates and me. I had plenty of coaches who would yell, scream, and punish us - oh boy did I want to do better for them, but it was coming from a place of fear & I would leave practices feeling awful. In contrast, I had coaches who were tough and challenged us, while also being encouraging and validating the hardships of the sport. With these coaches, I actually wanted to work harder, improve, and show up to practice because I respected them just as much as they respected me. Wouldn’t you want to treat yourself in the same way? Instead of a fear- & shame-based “motivation” approach, what if you were encouraging, supportive, and consistent with yourself & your values?
If this appeals to you, maybe start by noticing when that “critical coach” is yelling at you, and tell yourself, “this is hard, and I can handle it.” Or maybe try reminding yourself that you’re human and the challenges & emotions of life are part of what makes you human. Lastly, try thinking about how you’d respond to a friend who was going through the same thing you are - what would you tell them, and how would you encourage & support them? This is all easier said than done - self-compassion is a skill to learn! So, start small and find little moments to treat yourself kinder and be with yourself in the feelings!
If you’re just starting on this self-compassion skill, having someone guide you through it can be helpful. I incorporate self-compassion work with all my clients, regardless of why they’re coming into therapy. For something to try today, here’s a helpful audio recording to practice self-compassion from Russ Harris, a leader in the Acceptance & Commitment Therapy (ACT) field: https://psychwire.com/free-resources/audio/resource-1j1hti7/the-kind-hand-exercise